To Hope and Heal
by nataliekay13
Summary: "I don't remember when it started exactly. Perhaps it was the day he started digging out earth for the primrose bushes but even then, I was too far-gone to truly even believe that he and I would ever have the chance at a normal life again. " A story of falling apart and growing back together.
1. Prologue

I don't remember when it started exactly. Perhaps it was the day he started digging out earth for the primrose bushes but even then, I was too far-gone to truly even believe that he and I would ever have the chance at a normal life again.

For months, I had positioned myself in a rocking chair close to my ash-laden fireplace. In the hours that past by, I realized that is all I ever would be, ashes. My fire had gone out and all that remained was a lifeless soul floating about. I had no home, no family and no hope. I quietly wished that I would just slip away in sleep one day. Greasy Sae would find me forever asleep, and then they would bury me someplace near the woods or in meadow District 12 graveyard with my lost friends and countrymen, all of who were killed because of me.

The thought consumed me. Even in death, I would be circled by the long list of names of those I had indirectly murdered. So death was not an option, either. The capitol had made sure that I would never fine peace.

It was on one of these gray and lifeless days that I heard the noise. I noticed the dull scraping sound and heavy breathing rather quickly since all I had heard these past few months was the screams and bombs bursting inside of my own head.

Somewhat curious, I stepped out of my usual place and ran outside, unsure of whether or not to be scared. Unsure, I decided the best feeling I could come up with was annoyed. How dare someone disturb my depressed state. I was about to scream a string of curse words when I turned the corner. That's when saw him.

He looked at me with those blue eyes I had come to know so well. I shuddered at the sight of him. He was skinnier than I had remembered, his hair was somewhat dirty, there were some burn scars along his neck and even at 17 he looked aged.

He didn't look angry though; he looked almost peaceful standing there with an old shovel in hand.

"Hi." I said as I exhaled in surprise.

"Hey," he said.

"What are you doing?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"They are for her. I hope you don't mind." He turned his body to reveal a wheelbarrow of wild bushes. Primrose bushes.

I could feel my breath getting heavy, my eyes becoming glassy but then I felt something happen that I had not felt in the longest time. Pure warmth radiated from my heart and filled my body with a smallest sense of joy. It caused me to upturn my lips into a small smile, the first in many months.

"Thank you." I said, my voice just above a whisper.

"You are welcome." He said.

He seemed to be studying me, looking me up and down to assess the damage. I become self-conscious, blushing from embarrassment. He looked heavenly compared to me.

My matted hair sat in large clumps at my shoulders and the blanket I clung around me was ragged and dirty with dust. I pulled it tighter around me, trying to hide my skinny form, knowing he would see me and immediately want to feed me. I didn't want him too. If anything, I just wanted him to leave me to die. Facing him was too hard.

With this thought, I turned and ran inside, locking the door as I went. I stood in the kitchen for a moment, frightened. The quiet darkness was present until it was replaced with the sound of the shoveling again.

Peeta was home and he was better. I was home and a complete wreck. I slipped back into my rocking chair in front of my ashy fireplace listening to the beat of the shovel against the dirt and the small grunts that fell from his breath.

Just like the small eruption of joy that I had after seeing the bushes, I felt something similar only more powerful. It was a calm sense of despair and happiness that combined in my heart. Now that he was home, I would be forced to move on, no longer meet death but be forced to hope, he would see to that, no matter my struggles against him.

So somewhere between my mixed feelings of sadness and newfound hope, I managed a small tear that feel from my eye and across leaving a wet river that told me that I was no longer void of emotion.


	2. Into the Forest

In the weeks that passed by, the world turned green again. The aroma of spring's debut was heavy in the air. Greasy Sae had opened all of the windows in the house, saying it would clear out the stuffy air but I knew it was really to tempt me back outside again.

I hadn't left the house since my run-in with Peeta. I did not fear him; Haymitch had told me that he was much better after months of therapy and from what I could tell, pure determination.

"He's not exactly the same. But then again none of us are." Haymitch said.

"I know. It's just…" I paused.

"I don't know if I am ready to face him yet." I said.

I felt guilty and selfish for avoiding him when he had been nothing but good to me since returning home. After he had planted the bushes, he began leaving baskets of fresh bread on my front steps in the morning. Greasy Sae would cut them up and serve them to me for lunch and dinner. Even without facing me, he was trying to heal me.

Some part of me hated him for it. Why couldn't he see that I was a lost cause? I didn't want healing. I wanted death. My other part of me wanted to run to him and thank him. But what would I say after a simple thank you. There was much to be said but I didn't want to relive it.

"You should see him. He deserves at least some sort of word from you." Haymitch said.

I nodded.

"Maybe, later." I said.

A couple days followed and I kept thinking about ways to repay Peeta's kindnesses. I stared out of my bedroom window, seeing his planted primroses in full bloom along the side of the house.

Oh, Prim.

My sweetest sister, the kindest child the world ever knew…taken from me. The only person I ever truly loved…gone.

All I had left of her was a few short memories and fragrant bushes along the side of my house. No one would remember her sweetness like I did. How was I supposed to move on when all I could see was her angelic face haunting me every day?

My quiet remorse lasted for a few minutes before Greasy Sae wondered into my room, carrying my clean sheets and laundry.

"What a lovely day it is." She remarked.

I sat in silence. I would have thought so once.

"You should see it for yourself, Katniss. Go hunting in the woods or something. We need some fresh meat around here."

I stared up at her for a moment. In all the times that she had been over, she had never mentioned hunting or the woods. She knew I wasn't ready enough but now…was I well enough? Was I stable enough to handle such work?

She nodded to me, sensing my internal battle. If she thought I could handle a few hours of hunting then maybe I should go.

"Okay." I whispered.

"Very good." She responded as she made my bed.

I walked out of the room and downstairs to a small coat closet that stood between the back door and the kitchen. I held the handle and turned the knob slowly. The door creaked open to reveal the hunting jacket I had once loved.

I was surprised I did not break down at the sight of it. It's warm, brown leather signified something of old and days gone by but it also held a promise of something new. I grabbed the arms and pulled it off of the hanger and onto me.

Suddenly, I felt a thousand memories rushing through me. Of Gale and I silently walking around the woods, of prim and her smiling face, of my mother and her depressed world and of Peeta's arms, the only thing I knew that could replace this jacket's warmth.

I thought of my father and the days that he would teach me about hunting, swimming and singing. I wondered if he knew what I had done. If he was watching me and saw all that I had destroyed. I shuddered, he could never be proud of me. I had managed to destroy our family in matter of years. Forever shattering any bond that I would have with the woman I call my mother.

I couldn't think about this now. I had to leave before it became too late for me to go out at all. Shifting the jacket around my frame and tying my shoes upon my feet, I stepped outside to my backyard. It was a little chilly but the sun sitting on my shoulders made up for it.

I rounded the house and headed towards the entrance of Victor's Village. I slowed my pace as I passed in front of Peeta's house. There was smoke coming from the chimney, telling me that he was home. There was a rocking chair placed elegantly on his front porch and the grass around his front yard had been trimmed. It looked cozy and happy. I stopped, hoping to catch a glimpse of him inside but the house stood dark. I wondered why all of the lights were off and none of the window blinds were open. Could he be going through the same thing as I? Was he having an episode?

I panicked. Breathing hard. He must be hurt or something. In a fit of panic, I started to run up to his front porch, passing his gate when I was stopped short at the sight of him coming around the house. Carrying a large stack of wood, he looked up from his place and inhaled.

"Katniss," he said breathlessly. "You surprised me. Is everything alright?" he asked as worry filled his brow.

I stood there like a frightened deer about to be attacked. I couldn't breathe. I wasn't expecting this.

"No, everything is fine." I managed to eek out. The panic that had previously filled me sputtered up in my heart again. I turned from his gaze and ran down the road and towards the woods without looking back.

Once I had run across town, through the meadow and passed the fence, I reached the woods. I ran for a while longer until I came to a large tree. Gasping for air and bending over to rest from running, I thought only of Peeta's perplexed stare.

He was not frightened or had lashed out in anger when he saw me. He looked almost happy to see me, a wisp of a smile drawn across his lips. He wasn't a threat to me anymore. He only wanted to help me.

I crawled between two large roots of a tree and listened to my ragged breath calm as the sound of wind and singing birds that replaced it. I hadn't been out here in some time and I sat in awe as the sunlight drove its rays through the trees. I could hear the light pitter-patter of animals wondering around the forest floor. Leaves shaded the floor and I could hear a small creek babbling along the rocks someplace near by.

The peaceful sounds and sights of the forest were calming to me and I suddenly felt myself being persuaded to close my eyes. I snuggled against the roots of the tree. At the moment, they were more comfortable than my own bed.

I was proud of myself. Even in my skittish state, I had managed to make it out of the house and back into the forest. I had forgotten how soothing this place could be and for a few moments, I had forgotten my nightmares and depression that had been with me since my exile five months ago.

As relaxation started to fill my body, a word came to my mind.

"Always."

Usually, the phrase would have jolted me into stress, reminding me of past terrors and my broken promises but now the phrase seemed to linger upon the air and lull me as I fell under the forest's soothing spell.

That's when I thought of Peeta's generosity and never-ending kindness and suddenly I knew what I could do to repay him.


	3. Repaying the Debt

I walked around the forest floor, looking up at the sunlight between the trees. Despite my absence from this place, I knew where I was going almost without thinking. My legs seemed to carry me along the path that I used to take everyday.

I passed by large bushes and ferns, stepped on crinkling twigs and crawled along the dirt and stood before a large and wise old tree. It towered among the others and was easily recognizable for its majestic stance. I circled the base of it until I came across the wide opening along the trunk. Timidly, I reached my hand inside along the hallow walls until I felt the touch of smooth wood and taught string.

A bow. My father's bow. My bow.

I hadn't picked it up from its hiding place since the days before the Quarter Quell. Seemed strange to think of it, peacefully sitting here while I was away at war. The brown wooded handle and fitted string had survived so much and yet it was still in prime condition. I ran my hands lovingly up and down the side, wanting to take it its presence. I reached my hand into the trunk again and found the five arrows and sling I had been trained to hunt on. The feathers along the stems were damaged and torn along the edges but they did not seem to bother me much, I was damaged and torn as well.

Silently and slowly, I began to hunt along the path, taking down small birds and squirrels as I went. I hadn't felt this focused in such a long time. The forest and I communicated in an unspeakable language that seemed to drown out my past. I had stopped thinking of nightmarish memories, of Prim's death, of my own depression. I was unaware that I was becoming strong again.

I spent a couple of hours out in the woods before I noticed the darkening shadows along the trees. They danced along the earth, almost taunting my skittish and scarred memories to be forced out. I felt my breath catch again, knowing that if I stayed out here any longer the darkness would consume me and drain me of any progress I had made that day.

I picked up my game bag full of my catches for the day and replaced my bow and arrows in its spot inside the hallow tree trunk. I ran up the hill towards the forest's edge along the meadow. Once I past through the trees, the sky had become dark and winter's last breath started to blanket the earth. As I crossed the meadow, I could hear nothing, no birds or children playing, only my feet through the dead grass.

I ran passed town; the lights were dark. It must have at least 9:00 in the evening for so little activity to be taking place. Once I passed the entrance to the Victor's Village, I noticed my house was still aglow. Greasy Sae must have been waiting up for me. I ran up the steps to my front porch and pulled off my dirty shoes before opening the door.

Her cold eyes looks up at my as I walked in. She was sitting in my rocking chair by the fireplace before she stood up with hands on her hips. I knew this couldn't be good.

"Where have you been?" She snapped at me.

"I am sorry. I was out in the woods and I lost track of time." I said.

Her eyes softened a little. She must have sensed that I had a good time out in the woods.

"Well…just don't go scarin' me like that! I thought somethin' had happened to you. Almost sent Peeta out to look for you." She said as she backed towards the kitchen.

The mention of his name caused me to remember my game bag that I had left by the door.

"Oh yeah, I brought home some fresh game. Nothing large, just a couple of squirrels and rabbits." I pushed the bag towards her. After my trek in the woods, I did not feel like skinning the animals and preparing the meat.

Greasy Sae seemed to understand and grabbed the bag possessively.

"Well it's about time we had some 'round here!" She exclaimed.

She left for the kitchen and I took her place in the rocking chair by the fire. The cold air had caused her to light a fire, the first one in some time. There were large logs burning along the floor and I suddenly wondered if Peeta had brought them over from his stash this morning.

"Don't cook all the game for us tonight," I yelled across the room. "I want to save some…for Peeta."

There was a pause. Greasy Sae hadn't heard me talk about him and to acknowledge his existence was probably surprising to her.

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Probably needs something to eat besides bread. By the way, he brought some over for dinner. Cheese buns, I think." Greasy Sae said.

My heart felt a little flutter. He remembered.

In some memory a long time ago, I had told him of my affection for his bakery's cheese buns. So the memories of me were becoming real to him again. I sort of smiled and looked down at my playing hands.

I wanted to laugh and tell Greasy Sae the significance of his gift but all that came out was a cold,

"That's nice."

No other words were spoken until dinner was being served, a hardy blend of squirrel and rabbit stew. Paired with Peeta's cheese buns, it was a feast made for a king.

I toyed with my spoon as I ate the last half of my stew, thinking of Peeta, my want to talk to him but my need to be away from him, it was confusing to me. How could I ever face him again? More importantly, why does he want to talk to me again? After everything I have done to him, he still sends over baskets of bread as if he was the one to blame for my catatonic state.

"Why don't you take some of your game over to Peeta now?" Greasy Sae suggested. "I'll clean up the dishes."

She stood taking my dishes and looked me in the eye. It was almost as if she was pushing me out the door. I suddenly regretted telling her of my want to take any game over to Peeta. I did not want to talk to anyone tonight; I already had seen Peeta enough for the day.

Nevertheless, I walked into the kitchen, pulled the plates of fresh meat the counter and into my trembling hands and slowly walked towards the front door.

The quiet night did not offer me any comfort as I stepped outside. I could only hear myself nervously breathing as I crossed the street and walked towards Peeta's house. Through the window, I could see the glowing light from his kitchen. He must have been baking a couple rolls of bread for tomorrow's breakfast.

I stopped halfway in his yard. Unlike this morning, when I was caught in a panicked run towards his house, I was now stumbling slowly towards the door. I wanted to turn backwards, run back home but my body propelled me forward until I reached Peeta's door. My hand grazed the wood of his door and I held my breath as I slowly knocked three times.

The thump of large footsteps caused me to lose my breath. I felt the warmth of Peeta's home envelop me as he opened the door. He wore the same surprised expression he held when he had seen me this morning, panicking in his front yard.

"Katniss," he started. "What a surprise."

His tone was eerily calm. How could he remain so sure and steady? After the hijacking, his emotions were unguarded and composure was no longer one of his strong suits. He looked healthy, almost like his old self, despite the burn wounds. His eyes shined brightly at me, waiting patiently for me to respond.

I was struck with a sense of quiet terror like a schoolgirl talking to her schoolyard crush. I wanted to breathe but somehow I had forgotten how. Finding a small drop of courage, I inhaled,

"These are for you." I said. Never once looking down, I pushed the plates towards him.

He looked down and took them from my hands. He smiled brightly at the game. He knew what it meant, I was healing and in someway he was helping me to do it. I wanted to slap the smile off of his face; I didn't want him to feel any pleasure from trying to fix me. Couldn't he see that I was passed help? I was about to scream at him but I couldn't take my eyes of his lips.

He and I shared many memories of starved kisses, warm kisses and on occasion, passion filled kisses. He looked so healthy compared to me. He muscles tightened around the sleeves of his white shirt and his blue eyes glimmered with happiness.

"Thank you." He replied. His voice was like honey, warm and comforting.

I could feel the beginnings of a sob form in my throat. How I had longed to hear that sweet, melodious voice swim around me again as it had in my happy dreams of him in District 13.

When he was still being tortured in the capitol and I was in District 13, the nightmares that took me were truly inescapable. I could hear his screams over and over again in my head but on occasion, when the nightmares wouldn't come, I would replay his sweet words to me. When I would wake, I could hear the echo of them ring through my head.

These dreams were almost worse than any nightmare. Their happy glaze caused me to feel almost euphoric and then to wake up realizing that it wasn't real, made me feel such a deep sadness. While the nightmares numbed me from emotion, the warm memories of him ripped at my soul.

To cover up my vulnerable state, I looked up at him and nodded before retreated slowly back down the steps and towards my door. I ran inside locking the door behind me. I suddenly felt my breath come back.

I don't know what to think. I was so close to breaking down in front of him. I can't let him see me like that, it might break him, send him back to one of his flashbacks or something. I am just going to have to stay away from him for a while, at least until I overcome my brokenness.

I turn and peer between two window blinds. In the dim streetlights that glow at night, I can still see Peeta on his porch. Only this time, he is seated in his rocking chair, eyes closed and silently rocking back and forth with a small smile tracing his face.

The sight warms my trembling body and lingers in my thoughts as I walk up stairs for bed. I accept sleep happily. There will be no nightmares tonight.


	4. Bread for Dinner

As predicted, the nightmares did not come. The images of mutts and lost children were stilled by images of my day in the forest and Peeta in his rocking chair. How peaceful he had looked, this broken and beaten man. How did he manage to fight off the terror-filled memories so easily? I was suddenly transfixed with a feeling of jealousy. Peeta had found peace and I realized that the quiet solitude he had found was something that I wanted too.

I rose from bed and ran into my bathroom to ready myself for the day. I took a long and steaming shower, running my calloused hands through the water a couple of times. I stepped out, brushed myself with a towel and ran to my closet with Cinna's clothes.

The gorgeous silks, velvet sleeves and masterful sewing sent a shock through my body. As beautiful as they were, I would never want to wear them again, it was too painful. Now, they just stood in the depths of my closet, collecting dust and reminding me of his untimely death. I did not want to look at the gowns but I knew I couldn't bring myself to destroy them either; it would have been a dishonor to Cinna.

"Maybe I could send them to Annie in District 4." I thought, remembering the time I had lent her one of my dresses for her wedding. "She might like that."

I pulled the clothes from their place and sat them on the bed before I changed into my own clothes. I pulled on a light shirt, green pants and my father's hunting jacket before grabbing the dresses and heading out into the hall.

I smiled and quickly ran across the hall. I couldn't wait to tell Greasy Sae of my plan and newfound motivation. I was just about to run down the stairs when I caught sight of a figure standing in the door.

My heart stopped beating and my breath synched when I heard the knock the door. Frightened by the sound, I dropped the gowns on the floor and ran up the stairs and into my room.

They kept knocking and knocking. Who could it be? I never received visitors. Greasy Sae always let herself in and Haymitch never let himself out of his house. The only two alternatives left were Peeta or Peacekeepers and both options terrified me.

I could hear Greasy Sae trudge across my living room to answer the door.

"I'm comin'. I'm comin'." She said.

She opened the door while I skittishly sat in my room listening to the conversation happening below.

"Well hi Peeta! Surprised to see out and about. How are you doin'?" Greasy Sae said excitedly.

"Greasy Sae, I'm alright, thanks." Peeta replied.

"Anything I can do for you?" Greasy Sae asked.

"I was wondering if you had seen Katniss today. I wanted to thank her for the game last night." Peeta said eagerly.

"Sure have. Hey Katniss, come down here! We got company!" Greasy Sae yelled up to me as she retreated back into the kitchen.

I stood suddenly, still terrified and overcome with nerves. I walked slowly out of my room and breathed slowly in and out. Walking passed my dropped dresses and down the steps, I managed to make my way to Peeta who was standing just outside of the house.

He smiled up at me, affection played in his eyes and he stood relaxed, holding a basket of bread at his side.

My breath was back but my nerves were still present. I looked at the ground, avoiding his eyes.

"Hello." I whispered, staring at the wood paneling across the floor.

"Hey Katniss." He said gently. His composure agitated me so I looked up at him with annoyed eyes.

"What do you want?" I said a little too curtly.

"I just wanted to thank you for the game last night. It was very thoughtful." He said kindly.

"Yeah well, it's not that big of a deal." I said. I didn't understand why I felt so defensive, he had not done anything to merit this kind of behavior from me.

When Peeta had been hijacked, I had all but voted him out of my life to protect him and to protect me. I still harbored some icy feelings toward him. His hijacked and cold words and glances he had given to me were fresh in my memory. Yes, I still didn't trust him. The nervous and terrified glances proved that, but I couldn't pull myself away from either. He was desperately trying to repair broken bonds; the least I could do was help him.

We stood there awkwardly. Me, with my arms folded across my chest from agitation and anxiousness and him, just outside of the house, holding a small basket of bread. He looked at the floor, mirroring my behavior. I had disappointed him from my apathetic words and guilt started to rush through me.

"Well," he started, "it was nice anyway. Here is some bread for you and Greasy Sae to share. I hope you like it." Peeta said. His response was almost sad. His head hung low as he handed me the basket, like a child in trouble.

A sobbed clinched at my throat. I wanted to apologize for my brash introduction this morning, promise him more game and thank him for the bread but all could do was nod at the floor.

His eyes caught mine as I raised my head. There was no venom in them, only a look defeat and pain. The look resonated with me; I remembered he wore the same expression when were hiding in Tigress's basement during the war, when he wanted me to shoot him.

He turned from me, preparing to return to his house across the street. I felt him slipping away from me and in desperation for his attention I called his name.

"Peeta wait!" I shouted.

He turned, looking perplexed, waiting for me to continue.

I had a surge of courage, not fully aware of what I was saying.

"Greasy Sae…she's making stew with rabbit tonight and well…if you want you can…I mean-"

I looked down again, my cheeks were red from embarrassment and I ran my hand over the breadbasket nervously. All of the sudden, I saw his hand reach for mine. He gently laid a soft palm on top of my frightened fingers and then pushed a finger under my chin, forcing me to stare at him.

"I would love to." He smiled sweetly.

I sighed. The combination of his soft touch and hushed voice instantly calmed me.

"Okay" I said, slightly smiling at him, silently thanking him for his understanding.

"See you tonight then." He said before releasing my head and hands and retreating down the stairs and across the street.

I watched him walk back before pulling myself back inside. I closed the door and walked through the living room and towards the kitchen, where Greasy Sae was waiting breakfast for me.

I sat silently, staring at the broth and bread that was before me. Thinking of Peeta, my mixed feelings for him. I wanted him to bring me peace but I couldn't shake the fear and pain that he had caused me during the war.

"Well, guess I'll have to get another plate for dinner tonight." Greasy Sae said, breaking me from my thoughts.

I looked at her; she was still wearing that smirk she had given me when Peeta had come to the door. I wanted to rub it off of her face.

"It's not like that." I said defensively. Any hint at a budding relationship with Peeta sent shivers down my spine. The last time someone suspected me of loving him caused me months of anguish and him, months of unending torture.

"I didn't say it was." She rebutted.

"Well, I just thought we should have him over, just once. You know, to welcome him back." I said, a little too sweetly.

"Well, that's unusually thoughtful of you." She said laughingly.

I glared at her, silently begging her to give up her probing about Peeta and I. She must have caught the message because she shifted in her chair and sighed.

"By the way, what were you doin' with all those fancy clothes this mornin'?" She asked, quickly changing the subject.

I gasped and remembered my plan and Annie. I stood from my place at the table, ran to the top of the stairs and grabbed the dresses. I came back downstairs and draped them over the sofa in the living room.

"They are for Annie, Finnick's wife." I said. "I don't think I will want to wear them again so I thought I could send them to her. She loved looking at them when she was here." I explained.

Greasy Sae looked at me proudly. It was the second time that I had shown any sign of getting out of my depression and back to reality. She walked from her place at the table and looked me up and down admiringly before grabbing me in a small hug. We stood there for a while, understanding the weight of the moment. She had waited so long for me to start living again.

"Well," she started, "You best be gettin' them packaged up if you want them to get out on the afternoon train." She said to me, still hugging me.

As I pulled myself from her grasp, I could have sworn I saw a misty tear drop from her eye. I decided not to mention it for fear of embarrassing her.

"Thank you…for everything." I said.

The words were meek but their meaning cascaded upon us. Without Greasy Sae, I would be dead by now, I would never have hunted again, and never seen the forest again and never would have seen a treated Peeta return to District 12. She was another person that I would never be able to repay.

She nodded at me and grabbed the dresses before returning to the kitchen. She pulled a large box from the cupboard, folded the gowns neatly and placed them inside.

"I don't have any binding for the box but I think they sell some in town. You think you can get down there alright?" She said as she handed me the box.

"Yes, I think so. I feel better, I really do. Do you need anything else from town?" I said as I reached for my small coin purse on the fireplace.

"No, I don't think so but why don't you look around for yourself. You know, go into one of them shops where they sell them fancy smellin' stuff?" She said, hinting at something.

I paused and sat the box on the floor.

"You mean perfume?" I asked, annoyed at her suggestion.

"Yeah…perfume." She said as she turned to pick up the breakfast dishes on the table.

I was mad now. She wanted me to get pretty for Peeta.

"First of all," I started, "I smell just fine. Second of all, having Peeta for dinner does not imply that we are romantically involved. That stopped the minute he came back from the capitol in 13." I yelled at her.

"I didn't say nothin' about Peeta! I just thought you might like somethin' nice for yourself. You've spent almost four months cooped up in this house, time you fixed yourself up and grew up." She spat.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the box of gowns for Annie and walked towards the door.

What did Greasy Sae know about perfume? As if I would ever even think of impressing Peeta. We had such an atypical relationship that any traditional act of putting on heirs seemed almost ridiculous.

I walked fast as I passed his house, still feeling a bit of anxiousness from this morning's dinner invitation. His rocking chair sat empty on his porch and I suddenly wondered where he was.

I sighed, thinking of Peeta's sweetness this morning.

"Well, maybe I'll just look at a couple perfumes. Just for myself." I thought.


	5. Morning in Town

Carrying the large box through town was little more difficult than I had expected. Talented Cinna had created dresses that were so delicate and lovely to look at but exceptionally heavy to carry across town. My arms had started to feel like jelly by the time I had made it to the town's square and I was forced to stop and rest.

I stretched my arms and looked around. Since the fire bombing of District 12, not much had changed. Only 200 people had returned to the district, most of who were merchants trying to reclaim their businesses and old folk who refused to go anywhere else. The streets were still filled with white ash that looked like dried snow. Hallowed out buildings remained dark and lifeless and the stench of the dead still hung in the air.

I sat down along a turn of a used-to-be road looking at the destruction that had been done by the capitol's hand. There were people mulling about, going through piles of debris, and looking for anything of value. There were a couple of men pushing down a flimsy and fire-burned wall of a building. I startled when it came crashing down and formed a large dust cloud around the square. District 12, the once starving child of all the districts, was now a scrappy skeleton of what it used to be.

Not all had been lost though, as most of the returning survivors were merchants. They managed to start little shops in makeshift tents and small corners of damaged buildings. The Capitol had begun sending us supplies as soon as the war was over; mostly food at first but pretty soon, shopkeepers began receiving stocks of medical supplies and tools to sell amongst ourselves.

One of these places was a little hole-the-wall store owned by a tiny, old man. From what I gathered, he used to be merchant who worked that worked in tools and construction supplies. I had never seen him before my return to 12 but I am sure that Peeta must have known him.

His shack-like shop was built in an alley between two destroyed buildings in town. There were two large bed sheets that hung in place of a roof and three tables that acted as display counters. I couldn't help but think of the Hob when I walked up to it. Paint scrappers, hammers, nails and screws were neatly divided along the salvaged tables but the shops junky appearance did not help their case. For the first time in my life, I pitied a merchant. Here was a man who was once at the top of District 12's economic pyramid, a successful craftsman. Now, his shop more closely resembled the Hob, instead of an actual business.

I made my way through the tent-like structure with the box in my hands. I reached the back when I called out to the man sitting in the dark corner of the tent.

"Excuse me," I started. I was nervous. I did not like conversing with strangers as a general rule and after seeing the destruction of the district today, I felt even more anxious.

"I…I was wondering if you could help me…I need some tape for this box. It's going on the train today, you see." I explained.

My small voice seemed to reach him and he sat up from his stool in the back. He was a frail and little man who had a prune-like mouth and tiny eyes that squinted at me. Even though he was almost a foot shorter than I, his glare intimidated me into the weaker position.

"You want a what did you say?" He asked, leaning his ear towards me. He must have been somewhat deaf.

"I said tape," I said a little louder, "for my package."

"Oh tape!" He nodded in understanding and waddled passed me to a table at the other end of the space.

He handed me a small roll of clear tape before staring back at me. I sensed some sort of tension between us but I couldn't guess where it came from. All I had asked for was some packaging wrap.

Feeling the need to escape, I handed him some coins and turned to run out of the shop when his voice stopped me.

"You're that girl aren't ya? The one they all talk about." He remarked, glaring at me.

I became aware of my fast breathing and accelerated heart rate. Oh no, I wasn't prepared for this.

"Y-yes." I said sheepishly.

This short and frail man could not harm me with swords or knives but he could easily destroy me with a couple of words, anyone could. While they could not pierce the skin, any message from him would collapse my already broken heart. I prepared myself for a sharp attack by breathing in one last breath before his words hit my like a slap across the face. But the remarks did not come, only a whisper of a phrase I was so used to hearing.

"I'm sorry." He said coldly. There was no feeling in his simple words but I knew what it meant.

People knew of my losses, my exile to 12, Peeta's hijacking and my mental state but they couldn't bring themselves to offer any empathy, who would? Their families, homes, and livelihoods had been incinerated into ashes and I was to blame.

I nodded before running out of his tent. I choked back a horrid sob that started to bubble from my throat and grabbed my box and tape. Tears started to burn in my eyes as I headed towards the train station.

People stared as I ran passed them. They knew who I was, what I had done to them. I felt their cold eyes watch me, blaming me. This was one of my nightmares only this time, I couldn't wake up.

"Just get to the train station," I said to myself, hiding my face underneath the large box of Cinna's dresses, "Just give them Annie's package and you can go back home."

I made it to the small window where you could drop off letters and packages. I set my package on the ground, taped it up as quickly as I could and approached the window. There was an old woman who sat behind it and she looked at me in disbelief.

"Please, I need to send out today, to Annie Odair in District 4." I said through labored breaths. I was tired from running, nauseous from nerves and crying for the want to go home.

The old woman stared at me; she had her hair tied back into a bun and her round face held a permanent mask of dirt.

"Alright," she said, "I just need you to fill out this form."

She handed me a pen and a small piece of paper with the Capitol's insignia on it. Since the rebellion, the Capitol had lost a large amount of power but their legacy surrounded the districts. Once the new republic had been formed, the first thing that they had allowed was free communication from the districts. For the first time, people were allowed to visit and send cargo to each other in different districts. I knew more people from different districts than anybody else but I felt no need to communicate with anyone of them. Talking to them only brought bad memories to the front of my mind.

I filled out the form and completed a message to Annie.

TO: Annie Odair, District 4

FROM: Katniss Everdeen, District 12

MESSAGE: Annie, I thought you might like to have these. Hope you and the baby are doing well.

It wasn't much of a letter. The words were emotionless but it was the best I could do, especially given the run-in with the merchant today. I looked at the paper before handing it to the woman.

"Here." I said while handing her the package too.

She smiled, took my things and looked at me one last time. Somehow she sensed my unease with being in town.

"It will be alright my dear. Don't worry about what they may do. This is your home.

The words spilled out like honey from a jar, so fluid and so warm, not an ounce of meanness behind them. She gave me small smile but her kind attitude could not erase the events of the morning. Still, they seemed to calm me in some way.

"Thank you." I said sadly.

I turned to go, this time I went slowly. I watched her hand the parcel of Annie's dresses to a peacekeeper, who in turn stowed it onto a compartment on the train. Watching the box disappear onto the train, I felt a twinge of sadness.

I would never again feel the soft silk of Cinna's creations wrap around me, their effortless beauty would never again graze my figure and I would never again touch Cinna's last gift to me.

I flexed my fists compulsively, watching the peacekeepers close the door and turn away from the train. The hum of the engine revved and I could see the train begin to move slowly away from the station. The wind from the engines picked up and my hair began blowing in my face.

"Goodbye Cinna." I whispered as I watched the train disappear from view.

As It crossed in front of me and whooshed away, I felt the tears I had harbored spring up into my eyes. The water stained paths across my cheeks and I felt myself breaking down. I sat near the tracks, not caring who was there to see me. I looked at the dirty ground, covering my head in my hands. I thought of Prim, Peeta, Gale, Cinna and the multitude of others I had hurt in this war between this war between the capitol and I.

I couldn't escape on a train to rid myself of these memories or this blame, I couldn't even use death as a means to my end; my soul would still be haunted. I was choking on my breath as I held my head up and stood up from the ground. That's when I caught sight of it.

Between my tears and quick rise from the ground, it looked like a small flash of yellow but once I had collected myself, I instantly registered it. Yes, on the other side of the train tracks between a couple piles of dirty ash and feathery grass, it called out to me.

A small but hopeful flower.

A dandelion.


	6. Dandelions and Daisies

The appearance of the fresh dandelion across the train tracks startled me back into a memory that I hadn't dwelled on in some time. I thought of the schoolyard, catching Peeta's stare and then the dandelion, which had motivated me to survive.

Looking back, I realized how that moment in time had solidified my life's path and braided Peeta's life and mine together. His bread had saved me, his hope had encouraged me and my own fire and stubbornness had kept us alive in the games. The dandelion was more than a symbol of hope; it was my personal reminder of where I had come from and where I needed to go.

Cautiously, I began to walk toward it. I bent down and plucked the yellow bloom from its place and held it in my hand. The tiny petals were sorted to look like a puffed sunburst. I rolled my thumb over the greasy blossom and watched it stain my fingertips with a light yellow dye. It had a pungent and dark odor, not fresh like lavender or lilac blossoms but still, the scent was attractive to me.

I held desperately to the hopeful bloom and started to walk towards home. I passed the town square, the crumbled justice building and the remnants of the merchant district. The small punch of hope the dandelion had given me, allowed me to look upon the scene with an observant and clear eye.

Based on past knowledge, I could make out where things used to stand. A wall of burnt lumber stood in place of a dress shop, broken glass and ash in front of what used-to-be a butchery and along the corner of the street, were the remnants of the Mellark bakery.

Hypnotized by curiosity, I approached the blackened structure. Even in its prime, the bakery hadn't been ideal. The white paint along the front was always chipped and the shutters upon the windows were somewhat crooked. But in a district where people were dying of starvation, these blemishes were not all that important. What truly drew people to the bread shop was the smell.

The aroma of fresh bread still hung heavy in my memory. It was a thick but warm smell that coated my lungs and startled my stomach with a longing for food. Now, the sweet smell that I had once known was replaced with a foul odor that was truly unbearable. The stench of death and charred wood choked me and was so thick, that it forced me to breath inside the neck of my jacket.

Three weeks ago, I would have panicked at the sight of this place but since Peeta's homecoming, my return to hunting and the dandelion's appearance this morning, I was left feeling empty. I wondered if Peeta had been here, if he had seen what was left of his former home. Blame and guilt pressed on my chest and I suddenly regretted inviting him to tonight's dinner. How could I possibly face him after what I had seen today?

Turning from the destruction, I decided it was time to head back home when another yellow-something caught my eye only this time, it moved.

It wasn't a dandelion.

It was a little girl.

To see a child in the new District 12 was unusual. Not very families had come back and with good reason. The damaged landscape was not very healthy for young children and the opportunities for work in other districts was more attractive than eeking out a living here in 12.

The young girl had her back turned towards me and her faded yellow dress was easily recognizable amid the black ruins. Her blonde hair hung in tangles all down her back and a crown of daisies sat daintily upon her head. I wasn't sure but I swore I could almost hear her singing.

I was enchanted by her presence and also a little confused. If this child had a family, why would they allow her in this part of town? It was too dangerous, falling timbers from broken buildings and hidden nails could easily cause her harm.

Motivated by my primal need to protect her, I started to walk across the dirt road. I did not want to startle her or bring her more harm so I approached her slowly.

"Excuse me," I said.

My good intentions were useless because she jumped and turned her frightened face towards me as soon as my voice hit the air.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said softly, "I didn't mean to frighten you."

She stared at me for a moment, looking me up and down to see if I posed a threat. Finally, she looked into my eyes with her own bright blue orbs and smiled timidly.

"That's alright," she squeaked, "What's your name?"

"Katniss." I whispered. "What's yours?"

"Lara." She replied.

"It is nice to meet you, Lara." I said and extended my hand for her to shake. She paused, still wondering if I was a danger to her. After a couple of seconds, she grasped my hand, shook it and then tugged her hand back towards her side shyly.

I paused and looked at her. She could not have been more than ten years old. She looked healthy, well fed and her skin had a natural and youthful shimmer. Her dress was worn and frayed at the edges. Her cheeks were sprinkled with patches of dirt and in her hands she held a large bouquet of freshly picked wild flowers. To anyone else, she would have looked like a common child, but to me, she was an angel.

"I saw you from across the street," I said sweetly, "It's a dangerous area of town and you could easily get hurt you know."

"I know but this is the only place where the fresh flowers grow. Look." She replied. She pointed behind her to a large patch of grass I hadn't noticed. The ground was covered in red, pink, yellow and purple blossoms that had sprung between the cracks of a fallen building.

"I do see," I said smiling. "Still, you could get hurt and your mother or father would be sad if you did."

"Oh no, Mama told me to come out here. I have to collect the chrysanthemums, daisies, lavender and primroses." She said, unaffected by my stern attitude.

I chuckled.

"You have a lot of knowledge about flowers for someone your age. You must be very smart." I said kindly.

She smiled at me before she turned back to the flower patch and kneeled down to pick more of the blossoms.

"Well, I need to be smart about flowers otherwise Mama wouldn't be able to bottle them." She said coolly.

"Bottle them?" I asked quizzically.

"Yeah, she uses the flowers from the meadow to create perfumes so people don't smell so bad." She said matter-of-factly.

I didn't understand her at first but then I had remembered what Greasy Sae had said to me that morning. Someone in town sold perfume or something close to it. I suddenly wondered why, in a poor and desolate place like District 12, would someone want to sell perfume?

I was just about to ask Lara when I realized what she had meant when she said, "so people don't smell so bad." The unbearable stench of dead bodies in the streets and the charred and smoky earth were forcing people to buy flowery water to ward off the odor. Perfume had once been a luxury but in post-war District 12, it had become a necessity.

I lowered my head and watched Lara continue to place flowers into her already large bouquet.

"I see. Does your mother have lots of different kinds?" I asked curiously.

"Oh yes, I can show you if you want." She said as she stood from her place and turned towards me.

"Yes please." I said.

"Well, follow me." She said. She jumped ahead of me and began skipping passed the damaged street.

I wondered how she could be so positive and unaffected by something so brutal. If she had lived here before she must have remembered this place as it used to be. I wished I could have been as innocent as she. She knew nothing of killing, torture, violence and conspiracy. The only thing that she seemed to cared about were the flowers that grew amid the destruction and I found myself wishing I were as sweet as she.

We reached a small shack that sat back on the outskirts of the merchant street. Lara walked quickly in front of me and opened the door. The room was dark with only a few small candles providing light. The air was damp with the aromas of wild flowers and herbs. I breathed in and out, catching whiffs of daffodils, lilies and lavender.

"Wait here." Lara said. She ran passed me and headed behind a long table and bent down, out of my sight. I could hear glass bottles clanging against one another as she grabbed them. Slowly, she stood from her place and set three small bottles on top of the table.

"We have these three right now." Lara said.

I stared at the clear containers. On the bottom of each bottle were large bouquets of flower petals and stems that gracefully floated in a mixture of what I assumed to be oil and water. I read the labels of each one:

Lavender, Daisies, Lilacs

I approached the table and looked at Lara. She opened each container and nodded at me to smell. I bent my nose into each one, taking in the sweet fragrance that each bottle had to offer. I looked to Lara again.

"Which one do you like the best?" I asked.

She looked at each one, trying to remember the scents.

"Ummm…I like the lavender one I think. Mama lets me wear this one sometimes." She said. She pointed to the bottle with the long stems of tiny purple petals. I nodded remembering that I liked that one as well. It was a light scent and had a calming quality to its aroma.

"Alright. I'll take a bottle of that one then please." I said while pulling out my coin purse.

"Okay" Lara said. She pushed the small vile towards me and took and counted my coins before pushing them underneath the table.

"Thank you" I said. I pushed the perfume into my inside jacket pocket. As I placed it there I felt something soft touch my fingers; it was the dandelion I had picked that morning. I smiled.

"Well, it was nice meeting you, Lara." I said and watched her pull the other two bottles beneath the table.

"You too." She said. This time she extended her hand, hoping I would shake it. I smiled and felt her tiny palm slip into mine. She smiled brightly at me and I felt sharp sting in my heart. Her sweet smile, innocence and gentleness all reminded me of Prim.

I looked down at her and pulled the dandelion from my pocket.

"Here. For you." I said. I handed her the yellow blossom. She looked at me with happy eyes before she pushed the flower into her hair, next to her crown of daisies.


End file.
